By: Dr. Natalia Rappa, Psy. D., Director of Mental Health, The Nesting Place
Myth: pregnancy loss is rare , One out of every 4 women, or 25% of the overall reproductive-aged U.S. women will experience a pregnancy or infant loss. Due to the fact that many losses happen before a woman knows she is pregnant, the actual percentage of pregnancy losses might even be higher. Most losses occur very early, oftentimes before the eighth week of pregnancy. Whether the loss was early on or later in the pregnancy or infancy, a loss is a loss nonetheless.
While the statistics tell us it is common, the emotions and experiences of ‘loss parents’ often go unspoken. October is a month to honor these parents and the babies they have lost in a world that often leaves little to no space for them. Pregnancy and infant loss isn’t a one time event, its effects continue to ripple into the coming days, months, and years of the families it impacts.
When we think of loss we can assume that the emotions of sadness, grief, even anger are going to show up. However, parents who lose a baby in pregnancy or infancy often have nuanced emotions and thoughts that most who don’t share this life experience, don’t understand. Whether you are a ‘loss parent’ yourself or someone looking to understand and support a loved one, the hope is that you will gain a greater sense of compassion after reading this.
Betrayal
When someone suddenly gets the news that the child they dreamed of meeting, holding, parenting, will not make it, it can change the way they think and feel about their body, the world, and even their faith in a higher power. Ultimately it comes down to the feeling of betrayal. Feeling like their body or the universe, or both, has let them down. That they now have lost their trust in things going as they “should.”. This sense of things being unfair or unjust.. For some it looks like a loss of connection to their faith and spirituality. They feel like they did everything right and don’t deserve this, and turn away with anger from whatever higher being or source they once believed in. Other times, they think maybe this happening was a punishment for them being “bad” or doing the “wrong” thing. As a result, their minds begin searching within themselves to find something they did or didn’t do to contribute to this happening. While many ‘loss parents’ know that they did not cause or deserve this tragic loss, the emotional experience can muddy the waters. When there is no direct cause or reason for a loss it can make it especially hard for our brains to process it, so we seek to find something or someone to blame.
Anxiety
Oftentimes the experience of anxiety has more to do with the past than the future. In the case of pregnancy and infant loss, this experience leaves many people feeling unsafe and vulnerable as they look ahead. They may become concerned about the other loved ones in their lives as well as potential future children. Some other common fears experienced by parents who have lost a baby
If you yourself are a ‘loss parent’ dealing with these emotions and thoughts, know that you are not alone. You are not to blame, as much as your brain may try to convince you otherwise. Expressing these thoughts and emotions to supportive people around you, in a support group for loss, or with a trusted mental health provider is essential to your healing. If you are the loved one or friend of someone who is going through loss, listen without judgment or an attempt to talk them out of these thoughts or emotions. Something as simple as having a safe space to verbalize their internal experience can be extremely powerful for those grieving pregnancy and infant loss.
References & Resources:
Upcoming Pregnancy loss support circle at The Nesting Place
Return to Zero
Postpartum Support International
Kushner, H. S. (1981). When bad things happen to good people. Anchor Books.
Clark-Coates, Z. (2021). The Baby Loss Guide: Practical and compassionate support with a day-by-day resource to navigate the path of grief. Spring.
Clark-Coates, Z. (2022) Pregnancy After Loss: A day-by-day plan to reassure and comfort you. Spring.
Clark-Coates, Z. (2021). Beyond Goodbye: A practical and compassionate guide to surviving grief, with day-by-day resources to navigate a path through loss. Spring
